Melbourne Dining Review – Huxtaburger Collingwood

Let me start off by saying that Huxtaburger is not for the faint hearted, literally. You may feel like you will end up in cardiac arrest after demolishing one of their ‘Theo’ burgers. But let me tell you, if you are after one messy, saucy, meaty, flavour-packed kind of burger where the fancy relishes and brie, crunchy lettuce leaves and wholegrain buns at Grill’d simply just don’t cut it, you will definitely want to head down to Huxtaburger.

Huxtaburger, Collingwood

Huxtaburger, Collingwood

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy Grill’d and can appreciate the sudden influx of menu items containing quinoa, kale, acai berries as much as the next person who uses the hashtag #cleaneating. But once in a blue cheese moon, you cannot help but develop a sudden craving for eating none other than one mean, oily yet delicious burger!

So in times like these, when you simply do not want a bar of wholegrains or leafy greens, no superfoods or salads, then THE best place for getting  your hands on one of the most outrageously grease dripping, artery clogging, mouth-wateringly, enjoyable burgers in Melbourne is at Huxtaburger.

You’ve probably already heard of the name and if you were at the Taste of Melbourne event this year, you would have definitely seen the line of hungry burger lovers stretching across the grass from their wallaby pattie flipping stand. For those less game (pun intended) don’t worry, wallaby is not a regular feature on their menu!

Huxtaburger is basically the Melbourne foodie’s equivalent of the golden arches. Originally Huxtaburger had only one store located in Smith Street Collingwood (across from it’s brother restaurant Huxtable and dangerously close to Gelato Messina if you want a double-trouble dose of food coma) Huxtaburger now has an additional two locations, in the CBD on Collins Street and it’s latest branch now open in Prahran.

This takeaway burger stop offers simple yet flavoursome burgers. The name Huxtaburger is inspired by The Cosby Show and the family’s name the Huxtables. Each burger variation is named after one of the main characters. Huxtaburger offers six varieties of burgers on the menu, four with beef patties, one kid’s burger and a tofu burger for the Vegetarians. They also offer crinkle cut chips with the option of spicy chipotle chilli salt, (I recommend this option if you can handle the extra spice!) in addition to a good selection of  drink varieties including beers, ciders, soft drinks and milkshakes. I would have liked to see some more juices on offer, but I guess they are staying true to their simplistic offering which can be summed up by the saying plastered on their window, ‘Hot Beef, Cold Beer’.  The stores have limited seating but even that does not stop the constant flow of customers who grab their grub to go. The wait time for your order can be quite long, so I suggest that if you do intend to grab your meal takeaway, you can either phone ahead on 94176328 (that’s 9417 MEAT), order online or even order via their smartphone apps for Apple and Android devices.

If you are going to visit Huxtaburger I recommend you don’t deny yourself the full-blown beef indulgence, that you go all out and order the Theo burger. That’s a double beef pattie, double cheese, bacon, barbeque sauce, mustard, mayonnaise, tomato sauce, lettuce, tomato and pickles. As you can see below this burger looks as intense as it sounds and it is intensely tasty too!

Theo Burger at Huxtaburger

Theo Burger at Huxtaburger

So what is the unique factor that has allowed Huxtaburger to gain it’s popular burger status in what has become one of the most burger obsessed cities of all? I believe this lies in the fact that they have the sweetest, softest buns around! Their brioche buns are incredibly buttery and soft and the sweet taste of the bun is sharply set off by the full-flavoured beef as well as the saltiness and spice of the generously added condiments. Combine all these aspects together and what you get with each mouthful is a swirl of saucy, greasy, meaty goodness with a bit of bite (thanks to the pickle)!

While the meat can be a bit strong tasting and had a little more gristle than expected and I understand Huxtaburger may not be to everyone’s taste, it’s not fancy or particularly healthy or fresh tasting. It’s messy, greasy and rich. So if you want a burger that’s going to force you to roll up your sleeves (and remove your bracelets and rings like I admittedly did before tucking into one of these bad boys) then Huxtaburger certainly packs a flavoursome punch. To prepare you for your Huxtaburger experience, I’d like to finish off by introducing you to what I have found to be, the four inevitable steps that proceed eating at Huxtaburger:

1.       You finish swallowing your last bite and start feeling sad that there is no more burger left.

2.       You think, ‘hmm.. is it possible that I am actually still feeling a little hungry? Could I possibly go for a second!?’

3.      That is until after approximately 2-5 minutes later, when your burger first drops to your stomach and you experience a hit in the guts with one mighty sugary, greasy punch.

4.       You decide the diet starts tomorrow.

5.       You end up in a contented daze of food coma and don’t regret a thing.

Theo Burger and Chipotle Crinkle Cut Chips at Huxtaburger

Theo Burger and Chipotle Crinkle Cut Chips at Huxtaburger

Huxtaburger on Urbanspoon

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